I don’t want to get melodramatic about it, but sometimes I was paralyzed with terror. I ask myself why I didn’t just run away from this psychopath, especially when he began to talk funny and act strange. Why didn’t I get out when I had a chance? Well, things are never as simple and as easy as one thinks. There are always complications. Things get in the way from rational behavior. For most parts, the human creature can be described as irrational. Rational choice theory would describe human behavior as basically rational and that people calculate the benefits and costs of any behavior before acting out that behavior. Well, I would have to say bullshit. Many times people don’t do the rational thing. They do exactly the opposite of rational. My sticking around with Rocky Duabbe was an example of irrational behavior. I knew in the depths of my soul that Rocky was no good. It was intuition or something thattold me. 

All you know is that you are fucked and that you can’t feel anymore. You can’t feel for yourself and you can’t feel for others. You are totally numb. The world and others cannot reach you. Feeling nothing becomes comfortable and familiar. You find yourself enjoying the numbness, the unfeeling. You come to depend upon the numbness, it becomes your crutch to lean on and make you steady. There is no connection with another living soul on this earth.

the apostate

Julian (Latin: Flavius Claudius Julianus Augustus, Greek: Φλάβιος Κλαύδιος Ἰουλιανός Αὔγουστος;^[1] 331/332^[2]  – 26 June 363), also known as Julianthe Apostate, as well as Julian the Philosopher, was Roman Emperor from 361 to 363 and a noted philosopher and Greek writer.^[3]

A member of the Constantinian dynasty, Julian became Caesar over the western provinces by order of Constantius II in 355 and in this role campaigned successfully against the Alamanni and Franks. Most notable was his crushing victory over the Alamanni in 357 at the Battle of Argentoratum despite being outnumbered. In 360 in Lutetia (Paris) he was acclaimed Augustus by his soldiers, sparking a civil war between Julian and Constantius. Before the two could face each other in battle, however, Constantius died, after naming Julian as his rightful successor. In 363, Julian embarked on an ambitious campaign against the Sassanid Empire. Though initially successful, Julian was mortally wounded in battle and died shortly thereafter.

Julian was a man of unusually complex character: he was "the military commander, the theosophist, the social reformer, and the man of letters".^[4] He was the last non-Christian ruler of the Roman Empire, and it was his desire to bring the Empire back to its ancient Roman values in order to save it from dissolution.^[5] He purged the top-heavy state bureaucracy and attempted to revive traditional Roman religious practices at the cost of Christianity. His rejection of Christianity in favour of Neoplatonic paganism caused him to be called Julian the Apostate (Ἀποστάτης or Παραβάτης "Transgressor") by the church.^[6] He was the last emperor of the Constantinian dynasty, the empire's first Christian dynasty.